Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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