I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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