You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
two words...techno handjob
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
