she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
