The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
