my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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