The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
