i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Damn victory sex feels great
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
