somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
