My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
