if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
