the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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