I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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