wakey wakey hands off snakey
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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