she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
