I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm just crazy horny about you
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
