my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
