I think I can smell my own vagina right now
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
