Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
