I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
and you fell through a lawn chair
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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