dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
how does that bad decision feel?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
