his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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