Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
