Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
