I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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