i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
