Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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