I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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