I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
it's great music for shaving your balls
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
is that a dick in a sweater?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
