I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm like, not good at living.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
