I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
