I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
