That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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