My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
