Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
