I'm so fucking centered right now
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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