I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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