I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
