I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
