He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
