Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I think I just sharted jello shots
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