I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
