and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
