I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Sext me about skeletons
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
