I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
