Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
