From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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