No stitches, just platelets and will power
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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