i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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