I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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