oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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