I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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