I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
